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آموزشگاه زبان دانیال

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی

با هم بخندیم

جالب است بدانیم گه ادبیات زبان انگلیسی دربرگیرنده جوک های بامزه انگلیسی است که نه تنها نمایانگر گوشه ای از فرهنگ می باشند بلکه یادگیری آنها کمک وافری به سرعت یادگیری زبان آموزان و بهبود درک مطلب آنها میکند. 

Level 1

* An old man at the Doctor

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have your test results. I have bad news for you. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer’s.”       

 .The old man says, “It is not so bad. I don’t have cancer!”

* Homework

A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Does your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he does it all by himself.

 * Manager on the Phone

“Where is the manager?”
“He is on the phone. It’s his wife.”
“How do you know that it is his wife?”
“Because he is not saying anything.”

 

 

* A Mouse

A: I’m in big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: There is a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don’t have a trap.
B: Well, buy one.
A: I don’t have any money.
B: I can give you my trap if you want.
A: Great. Thank you.
B: All you need to do is just put some cheese in the trap, then the mouse will come to the trap.
A: I don’t have any cheese.
B: Okay, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil on it and put it in the trap.
A: I don’t have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don’t have any bread.
B: I don’t understand. What is the mouse doing at your house?!

* At the Doctor

“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with my eyes.”
“I think so too. This is a post office.”

* Blonde Secretary Reads the Diary

The boss asks his blonde secretary, “What is in my diary this week?”
The blonde secretary answers, “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday…”

* Phone Call

A man calls the office of an airline. He asks, “How long does it take to fly to Boston?”
The office worker says, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” says the man and hangs up.

* Where Is Your House?

Police: Where do you live?
Me: I live with my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: They live with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: It is next to my neighbors’ house.
Police: Where is your neighbors’ house?
Me: I‘ll tell you but you won‘t believe me.
Police: Tell me…
Me: It is next to my house…

* Love at First Sight

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

 

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی

* Joke about a Bed

Peter goes to a doctor, “Doctor, I have a problem,” he says.
“When I sleep in my bed, I think that there is somebody under my bed. I look under my bed and I think there is somebody on my bed. On, under, on, under. I think that I am crazy!”
The doctor thinks for one minute. Then he says, “Come to me for 2 years. Come here three times a week and I will help you.”
“How much will I pay?” Peter asks.
“One hundred dollars for a visit,” the doctor says.
Peter says, “I will think about it.”
Peter never comes back. After two weeks, he meets the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you come to visit me?” the doctor asks.
“One hundred dollars for one visit? It is expensive for me. A barman helped me for 10 dollars.”
The doctor doesn’t understand, “What did he do with you?”
“He told me to cut the legs of the bed.”

* Driving School

An instructor in a driving school tells his student, “Tell me, how does the motor work?”
“Can I use my own words?”
“Of course.“
“Vroom, vroom.”

* An Old Dog

A man has a big garden around his house. An old dog comes to his garden. The dog looks at the man and then lies down next to him.
When the man stands up and walks to the house, the dog walks behind him. When they are inside, the dog jumps on the sofa, closes his eyes and sleeps for one hour. Then he wakes up and walks to the door. The man lets the dog out.
The next day the dog comes again. He jumps on the sofa and sleeps for an hour. This is happening every day for three weeks. The man wants to know why the dog comes to his house. He writes on a piece of paper these words, “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house and sleeps for one hour on my sofa.” Then the man puts this piece of paper on his collar.
The next day the dog comes with a different piece of paper on his collar. It says, “He lives in a home with four children. He needs some quite place to relax. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

* Nobody Is Perfect

Nobody is perfect. I am nobody. So I am perfect.

* Visit at a Church

One day, Satan comes to a church. Everybody in the church is afraid and runs away. Only one old man stays in the church.
So Satan walks to the man and says, “Do you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yes, I know who you are.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asks.
“No, I am not.” says the man.
“Do you know that I can make life horrible for you?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“Do you know that I can kill you with one word?” asks Satan.
“Yes, I know,” says the old man.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asks Satan.
“No,” says the old man.
Satan is shocked but asks, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “I married your sister 48 years ago.”

* Polar Bear

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear are sitting in the snow. The son polar bear looks at his father and asks, “Dad, am I 100 % polar bear?”
The father polar bear says, “Of course, son, you’re 100 % polar bear. Why do you ask?”
“I am very cold!” says his son.

* Mop

A young man has a new job at a supermarket. It is his first day. The manager says hello to him. Then he gives him a mop and says, “Your first job is to mop the floor.”
“But I have a university degree,” the young man says.
“Oh, I understand. I’m sorry,” says the manager. “Give me the mop. I can show you how.”

چوک های بامزه انگلیسی

Level2

* Before an Operation

A patient asks the doctor:
“What will happen if the operation is not a success?”
“Don‘t worry. If it isn’t, you won’t be able to tell.”

* Long Live the Married Men

A recent study shows that men who are married live longer than single men. However, many of them want to die.

* Fried Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband ran into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my God! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife looked at him and said, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

* A Nice Dress

“Mummy, you have such a nice dress. Where are you going in it?”
“I’m going to the theatre to see Romeo and Juliet.”
“But you’ve seen it 5 times!”
“Yes, I know, but not in this dress.”

* Alcohol Joke

Doctor: “I am not sure why you are not well. I think it could be the alcohol.”
Patient: “That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober.”جوک های بامزه انگلیسی* Friends in a Pub

A man in a pub tells his friends:
“Before the wedding, I spoke and she listened. After the wedding, she spoke and I listened. Now, we both speak and the neighbors listen.”

* On the Way to School

A student stops a car and asks the driver,
“Can you take me to school?”
“Sorry, I’m going in another direction,” says the driver.
“Super, take me there!”

* Ten Things I know about You

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.
4) You have just tried it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face, and you have just skipped number 5.
8) You have just checked if there is number 5.
9) You are laughing at this because you love having fun.
10) You are probably going to send this to your friends.

* OOPS?!

Jerry was in hospital. He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

* Man Is Talking to God

The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی

* A Jigsaw

Did you hear about the man who was so proud that he completed a jigsaw in half an hour? It said “five to six years” on the box.

* Zombies

A: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
B: Hope it’s Halloween!

* What Does He Want to Be?

“Does your son know what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

* The Blonde and the Bike

A: Why does the blonde run with the bike?
B: It is going too fast for her to get on.

* The Good and the Bad News

A man goes to hospital for a check-up because he has some medical problems. The doctor tells him that he doesn’t know exactly what the problem is and that they need to do more tests. After weeks of tests, the doctor tells the man that he has some good news and some bad news.
“You have a new and incurable disease,” says the doctor.
“And what’s the good news?” asks the man.
And the doctor says, “We’re going to name it after you.”

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی

Level3

* Flying First Class

On a plane that was headed to New York, the flight attendant went to a blonde who was sitting in the first class section. He asked her to move to the lower class because she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” The flight attendant didn’t want to argue with a customer, so he asked the co-pilot to speak with her. The co-pilot went to the blonde and asked her to move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde. I’m beautiful. I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot went back to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the lower class section. She mumbled to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so…”
The flight attendant and the co-pilot were surprised, and they wanted to know what the pilot had just said. The pilot replied, “I told her that the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

* Memory Problems

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life. They had a good time. One day, one of the men, Harry, started talking about a fantastic restaurant. He went to this restaurant the other night with his wife.
“Really?” one of the men said, “What’s it called?”
Harry thinks for a few seconds and says, “What are those good-smelling flowers called again?”
“Do you mean roses?” the first man asked.
“Yes that’s it!” and he looked at his wife and shouted, “Rose! What’s the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?”

* What Do Beer and Women Have in Common?

Scientists have recently discovered that beer contains a little of female hormones. This was proved when 100 men were given 12 pints of beer. Scientists observed that a surprising percentage of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی 

* Boy With a Monkey

A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he saw a policeman who said, “Now, now young boy, I think you should take that monkey to the zoo.”
The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again when he saw the same policeman. The policeman said, “Hey boy, I thought I told you to take that monkey to the zoo!”
The boy answered, “I did! Today, I’m taking it to the cinema.”

* God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?”
The preacher calmly said, “No, God will save me.”
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?”
The preacher replied again, “No, God will save me.”
Finally, the preacher drowned and went to heaven. The preacher asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”
God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”

* The Paper Shredder

The new employee stood before the paper shredder and was looking confused.
“Do you need some help?” a secretary asked.
“Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?”
“It’s simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and putting it into the shredder.
“Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی

* Bob Is Looking for a New Job

Bob Smith wasn’t happy about his job and decided to find a new job somewhere else. They always told him “NO“ when he asked for a job. It was because people knew him as someone who didn’t like working at all. He had a very bad reputation. One day the phone rang at his office. Bob did not usually pick up the phone but this time he did.
“Hi,“ said the man on the line, “I have an unusual question to ask you. I need some information about Bob Smith. He is applying for a position in our company. Do you know him?“
„Sure, I know him,“ responded Bob with a smile.
“Tell me,“ asked the man, “Is he a hard-working person? Does he always come to work on time?“
“Well, I’ll be honest,“ Bob replied, “ I’m not such a hard-working man, but whenever I’m here Bob is here!“

* The Ideal Woman to Marry

One day a friend asked Fred, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Well, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”
His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “So, what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

* Apples

In a Catholic school restaurant, a nun puts a note in front of a pile of apples, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Next to the apples, there is a pile of cookies. A little boy writes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
* Four Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers are waiting in a hospital while their wives are in labor. The nurse comes to the waiting room and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
A little later, the nurse comes back and tells the second man, “You are a father of triplets.”
“That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence…”
When the third man says that, everyone looks at the fourth man who has just fainted. After a second, he opens his eyes and whispers, “Jesus, I work at Millennium Computers!”

 * Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go camping. They put up their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson and says, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson says, “I can see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes says, “And what does it mean, Watson?”
Watson replies, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and even if a few of those stars have planets, then it’s quite likely there are some planets like ours out there. And if there are planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes says, “Watson, you idiot, it means that someone has stolen our tent.”

* The Door

A very drunk man gets home and starts to open the door but he is too drunk to do it. From the balcony, his wife shouts, “Should I throw you the key?”
“I have got the key,” he said, “Throw me the lock!”

* Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

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جوک های بامزه انگلیسی

جوک های بامزه انگلیسی
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